I had an intriguing chat with a spiritual friend of friend recently, who revealed their deep kink and BDSM stigma. This guy, who frequently attends Ayhuasca and Kambo ceremonies, couldn’t see the parallels between his practice and mine. He told me he views kink as damaging trauma dumping and cruel violence, simply because we (consensually and intentionally mind you) use taboo or ‘dark/shadow’ modalities such as pain and humiliation for personal exploration and pleasure. I told him that from the outside, many might see his own proclivity for attending other cultures spiritual rituals as similar.
I have no personal problem with those rituals he has come to value (aside from the *MASSIVE* issue of appropriation). I absolutely see their worth as something that holds a space for conversation with suppressed parts of oneself through psychedelic ritual, and have attended my fair share of something similar, but anyone who hadn’t already experienced something like it might see a sweaty yurt full of people crying, vomiting, wailing and pounding the ground whilst sobbing as exactly the same thing.
Being a person isn’t always pretty and shiny and nice, and we’ve been consistently taught to tuck away parts of ourselves we can’t make sweet and unaffecting, pushing them deep into the darkest corners of our awareness, coated in shame. Just because we can’t see it, it doesn’t mean those shadows aren’t still speaking in our lives, and pulling them out into the light to have a good conversation with them is not only healing but responsible. It shouldn’t matter how you do it. As long as your chosen modality isn’t harming anyone, or only harming them in consensual, informed and considered ways, what’s the problem? Why the judgement?
Humans are wildly complex, and what looks and feels normal to you might, from another angle, look pretty fucking obscene to someone else.
Dancing with suffering has long been a form of transcendence from egotism, we are dancing the same steps to different music. Study your lens. Know which filters you are seeing the world from. Just because you play gongs and I orchestrate filth does not make my practice of less value, less intentional, or less compassionate. The massive shifts I have seen in the people I have entangled with, through their BDSM experiences, are evidence of the powerful effect of kink when done with connection and honesty in mind.
Get over shaming others because they have found a way to feel more fully themselves just because it happens to be different to yours. It’s all about connection and joy baby, you’ve got your gods to pray to, and I’ve got mine. Mine just really know how to party.